New Year's Resolution

The only thing stopping you from getting what you want is you... here's to a new you in 2010 | Mail Online

Whether it’s love, money, work or your body, our expert life coaches can help you achieve your goals in the year ahead...

Getting what you want in 2010 is easier than you think. First, identify what it is you want to achieve in life — that’s the hard part. Once you have done so, our top life coaches are here to help you achieve it. The only thing stopping you is you!

FINDING LOVE

Dr Pam Spurr, relationship expert (drpam.co.uk)

When looking for love, there are three key things you can do.

First, widen your circle of opportunity. We tend to live within a certain circle — visiting the same cafe at lunchtime, the same supermarket on a Saturday morning, the same bar for an after-work drink with colleagues.

Studies show that the two most common ways to meet someone are through work or within a mile radius of where you work or live.

So if you both widen and deepen your circle, you are likely to bump into more people, meet friends of friends and encounter new faces.

Second, be prepared at any moment for that special person to cross your path.

Be aware of both your body language and your attitude. People always remember the very first time they clapped eyes on their partner, but chances are it wasn’t someone slouching, unsmiling, looking stressed and fed up, with the world on their shoulders.

OWN GOALS

Around ninety-seven per cent of people who make a New Year’s resolution fail to keep it

You miss your chances if you cut yourself off with your body language, but it’s so easily done.

Be prepared for that first encounter before it even happens. Be confident, have a ready smile and wear that ‘front’ that you have on a first date.

Third, adopt a new attitude. If you’ve emerged from a bad break-up or been single for a while, you may well be harbouring all sorts of damaging self-myths about yourself.

Thinking ‘I’m unlovable’ or ‘I’m unlucky in love’ (the top ones I hear) shows in your attitude and the vibes you give off.

Substitute these thoughts for more positive ones. Tell yourself: ‘Yes, that break-up was sad, but I’m not unlovable just because he broke up with me.’

Finally, be prepared to make changes. Don’t think: ‘How embarrassing!’ if a friend tries to set you up at a dinner party. Be thankful.

If you’ve gone along to a class for two years in the hope of meeting someone, have the courage to say: ‘It hasn’t worked’ and try something different. Don’t cling to habit in the hope something new will come along.

FINANCES

Yvonne Goodwin, financial adviser and director of Yvonne Goodwin Wealth Management (yvonnegoodwin.co.uk)
Finances

Counting the pennies... keeping a basic account is like casting an X-ray over where your money is going

My most successful clients have one thing in common which we could all learn from: they’ve always carried a little notebook and jotted down what every single penny of their money is spent on.

This isn’t being tight or Scrooge-like, it’s sensible. If you keep the book hidden away in the bottom of your handbag or back of your wallet, no one else need know what you are doing.

But keeping a basic account is like casting an X-ray over where your money is going.

It’s so easy to take cash out of a hole in the wall and fritter it away. I’m as guilty of that as anyone else.

By realising both where you are wasting money in some areas of your life and not spending enough in others, you can make huge changes.

Spending wisely and depriving yourself is not the same thing, and I’d never recommend denying yourself the small treats you really enjoy.

But take that daily cappuccino on the way to work, which probably costs you around £2 a cup: at the end of a working week, you’ll have spent at least £10.

Treating yourself to just one cappuccino a week means you’ll enjoy it all the more as a special treat, but you’ll also be saving £8 a week.

Over a year, that works out at around £400 — enough for a cheap holiday somewhere, or a hefty chunk towards a credit card debt or retirement fund.

Keeping a note of your spending also allows you to look back and see where you paid for a cab when you could have walked or taken the train if you’d planned ahead by a few minutes.

It’s never too late to improve your finances. Keeping a little tally will improve anyone’s financial situation — regardless of whether you are comfortable or struggling.

If you are having financial problems, do face them. Interest rates on credit cards have gone up this year despite base rates coming down.

If you are struggling or need help, go to one of the charitable organisations such as the Consumer Credit Counselling Service (cccs.co.uk).

You’re not the only one — the sooner you do something about it, the quicker things will start to improve.

WORK

Andy Gibney, business coach with Speaker Seeker (speakerseeker.net)
Career ladder

Career steps: It's better to be at the bottom of a ladder you want to climb, than at the top of one you don't

Be happy in your work. Enjoy what you do, or do something else. It’s as simple as that.

It sounds obvious, but check the basic factors which affect your mood. Are you hydrated, taking regular exercise to keep your serotonin (or happy) levels topped up, getting enough sleep?

If you’re not, perhaps it’s not your job that’s negatively affecting your mood, but these other factors. Simply making basic lifestyle changes can make the world of difference to your mood, stress levels and performance.

But if it really is a case of your career not being happy, ask yourself why. Is it the way you’re treated? Perhaps you’re working overly long hours.

If your hours are the problem, give yourself a reason to leave the office on time. Perhaps it’s someone at home who loves you (partner, children, pet), or an activity you’ve made a commitment to outside of work (exercise is perfect).

Before starting work each day, decide in advance what time you are going to stop. Recognise that by staying too long doing anything, you’ll get diminishing returns.

Give yourself some self-respect. Aim to feel like a valuable team member — not the ‘put-upon’ workhorse. Occasionally you can put in extra hours, but overall, get a life worth living, not one worth dying for.

If you identify that your job really isn’t right for you, consider what would make you happy.

If this seems like an impossible question, turn the issue around and ask: ‘What would make me unhappy?’

It’s never too late to make changes or embark on a new career.

A lot of people feel like a square peg in a round hole when it comes to work, and the main thing stopping them from moving on is fear — the fear of giving up a regular salary, or perhaps a fear of rejection in attempting to take a new career path.

It’s never too late to embark on a new career

But sometimes you have to step off the precipice to see what’s on the other side.

Often you’ll need to get to a stage in your life where your job has caused enough pain to make changing it a necessity.

Remember, when you buy a new home there are all sorts of pains you will encounter — the worry of being gazumped, the financial cost of paying solicitors, the rigmarole of packing.

But, ultimately, the thing that keeps you going is the thought of your dream home. And when you’re settled, you look back and think: ‘It was all worth it.’

Let the thought of your dream job keep you going in the same way.

DEALING WITH A BREAK-UP

Barbara Bloomfield, counsellor and author of The Relate Guide To Finding Love, £9.99, Vermilion (inspireparents.com/ finding-love)
Moving on: The most toxic thing you can do after a break-up is be angry

Moving on: The most toxic thing you can do after a break-up is be angry

There is always going to be something hooking you to the present and preventing you from moving on, and that something is fear.

Lots of people are caught by this. They may have split up 20 years ago, but have simply never been able to move on.

The most toxic thing you can do is still feel angry years after a relationship has ended. This can really harm both your mental and physical health and it's something I see a lot of in my work.

It's important to identify the anchor then remove it so you can look to the future. It may well be a ritual of saying goodbye - there is always something you can say goodbye to when coming to terms with the end of a relationship, no matter how long ago it happened.

For example, you could place all the letters an ex-partner sent you in a container outside, set fire to them, do a little dance around them as they burn, then finish off with a jump over the ashes. It might sound silly, but it helps enormously with saying goodbye, drawing a line under an episode - or person - and moving on.

Alternatively, find a new place in your life for that ex. So get a picture of them, place it in a matchbox and put it in the bottom of a drawer underneath other items. Then tell yourself: 'That's where they are now. They are still a part of my life, but only a very small part.'

Finally, do something different every day. Start small. Smile or say hello to the person you often pass yet never acknowledge. Keep in mind a process of opening, rather than closing doors.

If you really are having trouble getting over a break-up, go to see a professional counsellor.

Accepting loss is a bit like grieving - you need to go through certain stages and you may not be going through them in an orderly fashion. A counsellor can help you do this and move on.

Remember, you don't have to be in a relationship to have counselling with Relate. Visit relate.org.uk for more information.

EXERCISE GOALS

Kathryn Freeland, personal trainer (absolutefitness.co.uk)
Fitness

Exercise goals: Aim for gradual gain instead of unrealistic overnight results

Yo-yo exercising is just as harmful for you as yo-yo dieting. It confuses the body, causes muscle soreness and injury, puts stress on the heart and lungs and increases the production of fat cells, leading to weight gain.

To make 2010 the year you get — and stay — fit you need to devise a realistic and ‘tailored-to-you’ routine that you’ll enjoy and stick to.

Sit down with a pen and paper and figure out what makes you tick.

First, why did your previous attempt at getting fit fail?

Were you too tired for the gym after a day at work, or bored by the same aerobics class?

Now ask yourself: ‘What type of exercise do I enjoy doing?

'Are there times of day I’m more likely to work out?

'Am I better alone or with company? Can I combine it with the commute or school run?

'Will I feel motivated or resentful if I pay for a course in advance?’

Keep scribbling until you have a list of pros and cons.

Finally, set a goal. Do you want to lose weight, complete a 5k run, or have a less snug waistband on your favourite jeans?

Only now can you start forming a realistic plan.

If leaping straight into a new regime has been your problem, start with a target of just one weekly session that you can gradually build on.

But only ever ‘up’ your efforts by 10 per cent a week — if you’re jogging or walking briskly for ten minutes, increase it by just one minute, not another ten, and aim only for gradual improvements in fitness and weight loss.

Weigh yourself once a week, no more. Or judge progress on how your clothes feel.

An exercise diary will keep you monitored and motivated in scheduling your weekly sessions and in recording your progress.

Keep focusing on how much better you feel and why you are doing this.

Within just a few months, exercise will be as natural as eating and sleeping.

But remember, always consult your doctor before beginning any new exercise regime.

HOW TO BECOME A BETTER PARENT

Allison Mitchell, author of The Manic Mum's Guide To Magnificent Parenting, £9.99, Hay House (mumcoach.com)

If not shouting so much at the children is your New Year resolution for 2010, you're in good company. It's the main wish for more than 90 per cent of parents I work with.

My top tip for immediate improvements? Interact with your children as you'd interact with a colleague.
You'd never shriek at a workmate: 'What do you mean you've forgotten to do that report? Go and do it now!'

So tell yourself: 'I am not going to shout at my children like that either', and speak to them as you'd like to be spoken to.

Remember, you always have a choice in how you behave in any situation with any person. Yes, you can raise your voice, but you can also lower it. You can erupt or close your eyes and count to ten.

Give yourself the chance to make that choice. Before doing anything, ask yourself: 'Will I regret later what I am about to do?'

FAT CHANCE

Women will give up their post- Christmas diet six days into the New Year - eight days earlier than men

Also, identify your triggers - those 'hot spots' that make you see red. We all have them.

Is it tripping over toys, lost PE kit when you're already late for the school run, or scrabbling in the freezer for a dinner you can cook in two minutes flat?

Figure out what your triggers are, then defuse them.

Always store complete PE kits in the same place, introduce regular tidy-up toy times and plan a two-week rolling menu so you always know what you're cooking in advance. Routine is vital in making your life as easy as possible, so that when things go wrong (and they do!) you can cope.

Finally, introduce a weekly family meeting where you can gather around the kitchen table and air grievances in a calm way. Each member takes it in turn to ask: 'What have I done this week that you like - and don't like?'

Set an agenda including 'any other business' and ensure everyone gets their say. It won't be long before the message gets across that less time shouting and falling out means more time having fun