'Deserving' is quite an immature notion

Are you REALLY worth it? | Mail Online

Despite the recession, we're still 'treating ourselves' simply because we feel we deserve it, regardless of whether we can afford it or need it.

'Deserving' is quite an immature notion,' observes Rachel Morris. 'Believing that because you've had a tough day, you should have a reward, is based on a childish concept of having a pay-off for eating your greens.'

Genuine, fulfilling reward could be as simple as a cuddle from your child or a walk in the sunshine - but we've been conditioned to believe that excitement, or material goods, are superior. Having high self-esteem also means you're more prepared to take risks - you'll splash £400 on the shoes you can't afford because you assume you'll get away with it. Deep down, you believe you can not only have it all, but you deserve it all, too.

Maybe that's why more married women than ever before are having affairs - and happily justifying them. With excessively high self-esteem, concepts such as shame are no longer valid. Instead, an affair is considered an appropriate response to ' not being appreciated' in your relationship.

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The phrase self-esteem was coined in 1890 by U.S. philosopher and psychologist William James

A quick-fix ego massage is far more attractive than months of counselling and when we're surrounded by images of celebrities cheating with someone glamorous, it's only a short step to believing that we, too, deserve a 'better partner'.

A recent women's magazine survey found that 70 per cent of women regularly lie to their partners. A fifth have had a long-term affair while married, while 30 per cent have had an affair with a married man.

In the past, most women were too embarrassed to admit to this type of behaviour. Now, the prevailing attitude is, 'so what? I wanted to'.

Even the current number one box-office draw, Sex And The City 2, shows Carrie, the designer-goods poster-girl for a generation, admitting 'something happened' with her ex while her new husband was safely back in New York.

We're not supposed to judge her for this; we're supposed to understand. Big can be hard work! Carrie deserves a little fun! And after six series of having her self- esteem boosted by the likes of Samantha Jones, perhaps the most 'because I'm worth it' woman of all time, it's no wonder she decides to treat herself.

But it's not just our favourite movie characters who are cheering us on to grab what we want from life, regardless of the consequences. Increasingly, books, TV shows and songs all promote the 'Go, Girlfriend!' school of thought, where self-belief is the holy grail of achievement.

Christina Aguilera's huge hit, Beautiful, is the soundtrack for the L'Oreal Generation - the lyrics 'I am beautiful, no matter what they say . . . words can't bring me down . . . ' were written in response to bullying, but have since been co-opted as an anthem of iron-clad self-belief.